sleep over moments

I love the morning light shining through my open windows.  My kiddos and the girls have already been outside in their pajamas playing family.  I love hearing the giggles and pretend play.  They all do both so well.

Right now they have enjoyed their doughnuts and strawberries, and are watching some cartoons.

Two of the girls are looking outside at the birds.

It's hard not to reminisce and remember a few months ago my moments with Kristi.  We tried so hard to be intentional with every word we said to the kiddos.  We talked about how He takes care of the sparrows weekly.  Introducing them to hymns with those words.  Doing art projects.  Memorizing passages of Scripture.

Kristi was always planting those seeds.  Just wanting them to know they'd always be taken care of by their Maker.

Honestly.

I'm certain she repeated those words to remind herself that they'd be protected and cared for when she left this world.

I picked up my camera to do some documenting.  The SD card I picked up is full of photos of her.  I need space to shoot more.  I had to delete photos (I promise they are stored in several safe places), and that sadness that feels so familiar just hovered over me again.

Then that youngest girls of hers snuck next to me and told me she missed her mommy, and she just didn't know why.  I just did that a heavy sigh and hugged her up kinda big and said, "woooo, girl.  me too.  me too."

I miss her.  I know everyone that loved her or even had a chance meeting of her are missing her.

I read this article recently.  My word.  The blogger said some words that helped me put into to words why this is so hard for me.  I know she has peace now.  I know Heaven is her home, but I'm still just achy.

I realized that I wasn't just grieving the losses, I was also grieving who I was in those relationships. I hadn't just lost people I loved, I also lost the way they saw me, the person I was in their eyes. I lost the special way I felt loved by them and I lost my ability to show them my love. My grief was deeper than just the fact that they were no longer in my life. It was also about who I could no longer be to someone I loved. I lost a part of myself with each of them. And I would need to learn how to love myself the way they would have loved me.

I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this stuff.  I know I just don't want to forget these thoughts.  I also know that I'm not the only one that has had loss.

My days are full, and my world is changing every day.  The girls laugh and play every day.  Robert is continuing to be the strong daddy that he is.  My family is doing the best to love me so sweetly.  My friends are being patient when all I want to do is grumble.  I'm trying to not be so melancholy.  I promise.  Spring is coming, and I'm so thankful for hope.

Also.  This song came on the a Pandora Station  recently, and I want to document it here so I don't forget it.