playtime with some Play-dough

Bubbles ~ help me not forget how they made me smile this day ~

a sister and her brother

an email to a friend

Here's an email from back in May to my friend (and super great pastor's wife) after returning from a retreat.  It's a few months old.  I feel like it is a bit odd to put it on the blog, but the words are something I don't want to forget.  So, here ya go.

............................................................................................................................................................


Hi, Nan  -

Well, it's the wee hours of the morning and I can't sleep.  I was going to wait until later to type out these thoughts, but I think it needs to be now.

It was a great weekend.  It was definitely as emotional as I had thought it would be.  I'm fighting so many thoughts of embarrassment of showing my dramatic up and down emotions.  I went from high to low to just nothing within minutes, and I hate the way it feels.  I especially hate the way it looks to others.  Everyone was kind and gentle.  I just wish I could be more steady and not feel so much.

Anyways.  I'm thankful for the weekend.

I'm peaceful about Heaven and His sovereignty.  I know and feel like His plan is perfect, acceptable and pleasing.  I know His kingdom will grow (and is growing) with each moment of suffering.  I know it's going to be ok.

Like I said on the beach before the sweetest engagement ever - I just get paralyzed with deep sadness when I imagine her not here.

She can be slicing a tomato in my kitchen, comforting my daughter, brushing Lydia's hair from her face, laughing at my jokes, saying goodbye to me on the phone, fussing (silly) at Robert, walking in front of me, dancing, talking Jesus and flesh, petting a puppy...and, all of the sudden I can't handle it.  I can't handle the thought of not seeing her one day.   I've had a difficult time trying to put truth over those fears.  It's been impossible.  Sadness wins every time.

On the way home I finally had a thought that kinda broke that sadness.

I can't think of a time when I've been in tears when Jesus didn't show up.

I mean, in anger, my shame, fear or worry, loneliness, sickness.....He always shows up when I'm sobbing.  No matter what I'm feeling.

So.

Yes.

I'm going to cry a lot when she's not here.  Even if He takes her in 5 minutes or 50 years...I will miss her so deeply.  

Weeping brings me close to Him.  I don't know how to word it or why it's bringing me peace.....but, there's some bizarre beauty that comes with the thought of me growing closer to my Creator through tears because of the pain of missing someone that loves me like He loves me.

I'm really hoping my theology isn't way off and that I'm making sense.

I just needed you to know that I'm not quite as cripple as I was hours ago.

I'm still a basket of sadness, and there are other things that I'm trying to figure out.  I think it's going to be ok though....

thankful,

alli

I can't keep up with lids. Don't judge.

She thought it was super funny.  For real.  I know the lid's gotta be under the sink.  I'm just certain of it.  Paper plate works fine.

Thank ya very much.