Sunday

I think having a friend with cancer has been one of the most horrible, beautiful, amazing, and painful things I've ever been through.

I've had the most delicate and deep conversations that before would've paralyzed me with fear to even consider discussing.

I've been so dang angry that the word dang doesn't do the feeling of rage I've had justice, really.  I've wanted to throw things.  Um.  I've wanted to throw things at humans.  I've wanted to throw things at nice humans that haven't done one thing wrong.

I cry all the time.  Like, in front of anyone.  It can just be us having a jolly good time, then BAM!  Snot is everywhere and I'm sobbing.  Huge groups of people - yup.  I'll ugly cry right there.  Strangers!  Awww yiss.   I'll lose it over a kind smile that someone has shared.

I've been so afraid.  I get scared so easily.  I can be jumpy and worried over things that are legit, and then sometimes.  Y'all.  Sometimes I'm silly nervous over things that don't make a lick of sense.

I've never wanted to runaway so badly.  So many times.  Please, God - if You hear me - choose someone better than me that is stronger and wiser to be here in this place.

I feel dumb sometimes.  Clueless.  I'm forgetful.  Careless.  Distracted easily.

Sunday.  I thought I hugged her for the last time.  And, I don't want to forget that moment.

I came to her home just to hang out.  She was tired and felt yucky.  So, not a big deal at all for me to show up.  I mean, she has shown up for me like that countless times.

I took some random photos.

Aidyn decorated the office with pretty pieces of scrap paper and ribbons.  We had a tea party with no tea, but just oranges.  Kristi and Robert read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to the girls.  Those little ones gave me a gross make over.  There's still glitter on me, y'all.

Kristi went to lay down, and the girls followed to have some snuggle time.

Then, Suddenly Robert realized through phone calls that maybe the pain was serious.

More significant than cancer hurting her.

It was after 8pm.  So much sadness - loud crying from the little girls as we loaded the van.  Kristi hugging me hard.  Hugging the littles so tight after they were buckled.

Her looking me straight in the face telling me to not be afraid to be honest.

Me?  I'm the lousiest human in the world at honesty, and she's telling me to be brave with my words.

I drove their van out of the driveway, and we talked about Paul being in prison.  What did he do?  He sang and prayed.  Surely he was scared too.

We got home and my family with my little friends gathered together, held hands, and prayed.  Some prayers were so simple and short.  My Abi kinda giggled a lot as she prayed.  Andrew prayed that God would do a bigger miracle than any movie we've seen.  Dean prayed and gave hope.

The night and early morning was hard.

She's here.  The One that made her and knows her so well has let her stay with us a bit longer.

She sounds so sweet and wonderful.  I've hugged her several times just since Sunday.

Anyways.  I have known that we'd have moments like Sunday.  I've been so anxious about them happening.

But, even though my nightmare happened. - The looks that I always imagined - the cries of the girls that I would cry as I dreamed up were real this time - Even though it happened, oh, there was beauty.

I don't have the courage to show you all the photos, but I'll share one with you.  Because you seem to love me so well, and it seems like you love Kristi too.

It's just a photo of the middle child rubbing her mother's feet.  It's kinda hard for me to show you.  I'm unapologetically stingy with my memories.

I hope you love it like I do.  I hope it prompts you to think of my friend.  I hope it makes you love the ones He's given you hard.  I hope it helps you to know that there's not one thing to be afraid of.  I hate to get preachy - because, y'all - my faith has never been so weak - but.  Your nightmares might come true.  Mine have.  There's still so much beauty even in the pain.  I promise.  Don't be afraid today.

Moments like this happen during your biggest fear happening right in front you.