Thanks

I just don't know how to say thanks to all of you.  I wish I could be all humble or even maybe snarky and say that FB notifications make me crazy, but I pretty much hug the computer when I get them.  Thanks for being so kind and for hurting with me.   Well, not just hurting with me, but giving me loads of hope too.  All of comments, shares, private messages, and even the sweet likes have overwhelmed me over and over again.

So.  I was kinda sitting here dorking out a bit in the wee hours.  I just wanted to read my first chat message with Kristi.  I didn't care if it was a request for a recipe or just playdate details.  So, uh, I did tons of scrolling, folks.  SO  MUCH SCROLLING.

It was written May 31, 2009.  She was diagnosed with cancer August 2011.


Hey Sweetie

I will be praying! I actually was just telling Robert a little about it tonight and was asking him to pray. You know I understand the challenge of following blindly. This week I have also found myself fighting to be willing to follow God's plan. I think it really kinda scares me to follow Him b/c what if where He leads me is hard. I know that in the end it will be good, but what about the mean time. There is no guaranty that following God will lead me to pleasant pastures of wild flowers. In fact it may lead me to a desert. The desert will teach me powerful stuff and I will have awesome times with God, but it will be hot and I like wild flowers a whole lot. As I was thinking about all of this it was as if God asked me... "Do you really trust me"..."Is what I want to teach you and where I'm taking you worth the effort and possible pain"..."Did you mean it when you said you would follow me"...and so on. I even thought of conversations I have had with you about when we are willing to follow God and do things that don't always make the most worldly sense, then we are able to experience a closeness with God and see Him work in powerful ways. In ways that others who play it more "safe" may not see. You and I both know the correct answers to the questions and what is truth. Yet I'm still fighting to follow as well. I think that is why I got tearful when it came to our memory verse today. I will be praying fervently for you and Dean this week and especially this weekend. Thank you for sharing with me. I know that it can be tough to bear our souls. I am privileged to fight along side you in this. You are my sweet, dear friend and I do love you very much!!!

Please keep praying for her.

Also, hey! Wanna see some photos from December 2010? These kinda rock my socks. I'm not even kidding.

Please, notice in the group shots how tall Rosalie looks. Kristi was hunched down holding her, and lifting her up. Not even kidding.

Sunday

I think having a friend with cancer has been one of the most horrible, beautiful, amazing, and painful things I've ever been through.

I've had the most delicate and deep conversations that before would've paralyzed me with fear to even consider discussing.

I've been so dang angry that the word dang doesn't do the feeling of rage I've had justice, really.  I've wanted to throw things.  Um.  I've wanted to throw things at humans.  I've wanted to throw things at nice humans that haven't done one thing wrong.

I cry all the time.  Like, in front of anyone.  It can just be us having a jolly good time, then BAM!  Snot is everywhere and I'm sobbing.  Huge groups of people - yup.  I'll ugly cry right there.  Strangers!  Awww yiss.   I'll lose it over a kind smile that someone has shared.

I've been so afraid.  I get scared so easily.  I can be jumpy and worried over things that are legit, and then sometimes.  Y'all.  Sometimes I'm silly nervous over things that don't make a lick of sense.

I've never wanted to runaway so badly.  So many times.  Please, God - if You hear me - choose someone better than me that is stronger and wiser to be here in this place.

I feel dumb sometimes.  Clueless.  I'm forgetful.  Careless.  Distracted easily.

Sunday.  I thought I hugged her for the last time.  And, I don't want to forget that moment.

I came to her home just to hang out.  She was tired and felt yucky.  So, not a big deal at all for me to show up.  I mean, she has shown up for me like that countless times.

I took some random photos.

Aidyn decorated the office with pretty pieces of scrap paper and ribbons.  We had a tea party with no tea, but just oranges.  Kristi and Robert read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to the girls.  Those little ones gave me a gross make over.  There's still glitter on me, y'all.

Kristi went to lay down, and the girls followed to have some snuggle time.

Then, Suddenly Robert realized through phone calls that maybe the pain was serious.

More significant than cancer hurting her.

It was after 8pm.  So much sadness - loud crying from the little girls as we loaded the van.  Kristi hugging me hard.  Hugging the littles so tight after they were buckled.

Her looking me straight in the face telling me to not be afraid to be honest.

Me?  I'm the lousiest human in the world at honesty, and she's telling me to be brave with my words.

I drove their van out of the driveway, and we talked about Paul being in prison.  What did he do?  He sang and prayed.  Surely he was scared too.

We got home and my family with my little friends gathered together, held hands, and prayed.  Some prayers were so simple and short.  My Abi kinda giggled a lot as she prayed.  Andrew prayed that God would do a bigger miracle than any movie we've seen.  Dean prayed and gave hope.

The night and early morning was hard.

She's here.  The One that made her and knows her so well has let her stay with us a bit longer.

She sounds so sweet and wonderful.  I've hugged her several times just since Sunday.

Anyways.  I have known that we'd have moments like Sunday.  I've been so anxious about them happening.

But, even though my nightmare happened. - The looks that I always imagined - the cries of the girls that I would cry as I dreamed up were real this time - Even though it happened, oh, there was beauty.

I don't have the courage to show you all the photos, but I'll share one with you.  Because you seem to love me so well, and it seems like you love Kristi too.

It's just a photo of the middle child rubbing her mother's feet.  It's kinda hard for me to show you.  I'm unapologetically stingy with my memories.

I hope you love it like I do.  I hope it prompts you to think of my friend.  I hope it makes you love the ones He's given you hard.  I hope it helps you to know that there's not one thing to be afraid of.  I hate to get preachy - because, y'all - my faith has never been so weak - but.  Your nightmares might come true.  Mine have.  There's still so much beauty even in the pain.  I promise.  Don't be afraid today.

Moments like this happen during your biggest fear happening right in front you.

playtime with some Play-dough

Bubbles ~ help me not forget how they made me smile this day ~

a sister and her brother

an email to a friend

Here's an email from back in May to my friend (and super great pastor's wife) after returning from a retreat.  It's a few months old.  I feel like it is a bit odd to put it on the blog, but the words are something I don't want to forget.  So, here ya go.

............................................................................................................................................................


Hi, Nan  -

Well, it's the wee hours of the morning and I can't sleep.  I was going to wait until later to type out these thoughts, but I think it needs to be now.

It was a great weekend.  It was definitely as emotional as I had thought it would be.  I'm fighting so many thoughts of embarrassment of showing my dramatic up and down emotions.  I went from high to low to just nothing within minutes, and I hate the way it feels.  I especially hate the way it looks to others.  Everyone was kind and gentle.  I just wish I could be more steady and not feel so much.

Anyways.  I'm thankful for the weekend.

I'm peaceful about Heaven and His sovereignty.  I know and feel like His plan is perfect, acceptable and pleasing.  I know His kingdom will grow (and is growing) with each moment of suffering.  I know it's going to be ok.

Like I said on the beach before the sweetest engagement ever - I just get paralyzed with deep sadness when I imagine her not here.

She can be slicing a tomato in my kitchen, comforting my daughter, brushing Lydia's hair from her face, laughing at my jokes, saying goodbye to me on the phone, fussing (silly) at Robert, walking in front of me, dancing, talking Jesus and flesh, petting a puppy...and, all of the sudden I can't handle it.  I can't handle the thought of not seeing her one day.   I've had a difficult time trying to put truth over those fears.  It's been impossible.  Sadness wins every time.

On the way home I finally had a thought that kinda broke that sadness.

I can't think of a time when I've been in tears when Jesus didn't show up.

I mean, in anger, my shame, fear or worry, loneliness, sickness.....He always shows up when I'm sobbing.  No matter what I'm feeling.

So.

Yes.

I'm going to cry a lot when she's not here.  Even if He takes her in 5 minutes or 50 years...I will miss her so deeply.  

Weeping brings me close to Him.  I don't know how to word it or why it's bringing me peace.....but, there's some bizarre beauty that comes with the thought of me growing closer to my Creator through tears because of the pain of missing someone that loves me like He loves me.

I'm really hoping my theology isn't way off and that I'm making sense.

I just needed you to know that I'm not quite as cripple as I was hours ago.

I'm still a basket of sadness, and there are other things that I'm trying to figure out.  I think it's going to be ok though....

thankful,

alli

I can't keep up with lids. Don't judge.

She thought it was super funny.  For real.  I know the lid's gotta be under the sink.  I'm just certain of it.  Paper plate works fine.

Thank ya very much.

girl talk

backyard, watermelons and super cute kiddos

photobombin'

dancin' in the living room with friends

Speak Love ~ Wednesday Nights

Dean and Little Joe

Kristi, Lydia and strawberries

Kristi Sue and her braids

friend time and alone time

fixin' a lawnmower

Benei Aor Family and Friend Night